Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Aqualungs and CPAP's

My bride and I are entering that phase of our lives when it takes a little longer to do things. Get dressed, read directions, etc.
It happens.

I know that drives some people crazy, a phenomenon that's inversely proportionate to the differences in age. The younger you are, the more likely you will be frustrated by someone the older they get.
Can’t be avoided—that’s just life.

There are reading glasses scattered all over our house, especially around the telephones. And we’re both now sleeping with CPAP’s—Continuous Positive Air Pumps--those amazing little boxes that prevent snoring and guard against sleep apnea.
Our kids call us the bionic parents.

We look like Mr. and Mrs. Hannibal Lecter with our CPAP masks on, side by side in bed.
Our bedroom now resembles that pod scene in the movie, The Island—that’s the one in which Ewan MacGregor and Scarlett Johansen discover they’re really clones of owners who paid to have them grown as living providers of spare anatomical parts.

MacGregor and Johansen are much more attractive than Mr. and Mrs. Lecter.
I doubt they need CPAP's...yet.

The clones were incubated in giant warehouses, nourished through feeding tubes connected to giant Ziplock-like bags holding the developing bodies of the clones until they were matured. The tubes hung down from the ceiling, providing nutrients and oxygen.

We’re not quite that intricate at our house, yet, but the CPAP tubes are strung from the blower boxes on the floors, up and over the headboard of the bed.
At night it sounds like a Darth Vader convention in there, tiny, whirring motors pumping air through the tubing, and our inhalations and exhalations marked by subtle changes in the pitch of the hissing through the tubes and masks.

Don't laugh.
You could be next.
Actually, since being diagnosed with sleep apnea a few years ago, and being prescribed a CPAP, I've never slept better.
So what if it looks weird?
The lights are off at night.

You know things are taking off when the toy manufacturers get in on the game.
Check out Sleep Apnea Barbie.
I rest my case.

Kudos to the medical supply company that provides replacement parts for these things. My mask died last week, and I was using a spare that did not fit well. My nose looked like I’d been spending time hanging out with the Crash Test Dummy family, testing airbags.

Russell and Scott at MedTech in Houston know what customer service is all about. I called them on Monday. Scott delivered to my house Tuesday afternoon the exact mask that I needed, and it’s better than the old one.

No more facial creases, no more bruised noses.
One simple tube running around to the side.

Like Lloyd Bridges in Sea Hunt.
Or Aquaman.
Given this is air mixed with water vapor, perhaps Aqualung is more appropriate.

“Sitting on a park bench…” dah duh dun-dun-dunnn-dut. Sorry, that riff is probably going to run through my head the rest of the day.
“Oh, Aqualung…”

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