Thursday, August 17, 2006

A Matter of Grave Gravity

I am very concerned about a new threat to our big blue marble. For decades we’ve been exposed to solar flares, and only recently has former Vice President Al Gore pinpointed the cause of a plethora of environmental maladies that plague our planet through the phenomenon of global warming. But this new danger is much greater than that…going beyond the realm of global impact to a problem of cosmic proportions.

Yes, friends, we are in peril from the risk of an expanding solar system, and the adverse effects that may be posed by the addition of new planets in orbit around our sun. I predict a huge reaction by environmentalists and cosmic cowboys as we confront Global Swelling from the increased gravitational pull of three new planets being added to our solar system.

The newest members include 2003 UB313 (wasn’t that formerly an Irish garage-band?), which is the farthest-known object in our solar system; the largest moon of planet Pluto, Charon, and an asteroid known as Ceres. Ceres was once considered a planet two centuries ago, but because it didn’t pay its dues, got demoted to asteroid status.

Perhaps all this explains the Tsunami outbreaks in the past years, the presence of giant trees and large, hairy bipeds in California, and Jay Leno’s chin, obviously the result of more gravitational forces exerting their influence on us.


Following yesterday’s emergency landing of a United Airlines flight from England to the US because of an extremely claustrophobic passenger, Hollywood is already re-tooling its next sequel to this Summer’s hottest movie: watch for “Flakes on a Plane” by Christmas.

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