Tacky Telephone Technique

During the afternoons, I am generally on the phone—a lot—drumming up business and guests. If I make 50-calls a day, it’s average. I talk to a lot of receptionists, gate keepers, and in too many cases, pure dolts.
May I share some pet peeves for a moment?

Those of you who run businesses which require personnel to interface with the public…please take note: People who answer your business phone should speak English.
Fluently and plainly.
Ebonics doesn’t count.

And don’t “aks” me for my phone number if you’re not ready to write it down. I got on the phone with some Mensa yesterday who prompted me to give my name, phone number, what I was calling about…went through the entire preamble, and then she said, “An’ what wuz your furst nayme, honey? An’ what wuz your phown numbah, honey…?”
(Sigh)

Another pet peeve of mine is people who answer the phone in any language that is spoken too fast to be even remotely intelligible. I am going to pick on one place by name because it’s just too bad—or good—an example to pass up, and frankly, the girl that answered the phone copped an attitude with me, so I really don’t care.

There’s a place in town called “This is It.”
I have no idea what kind of business they run, because when the girl answers the phone, it comes out “Thizzit.”
Thizzit.
Is that part of the new rap vernacular, perhaps a conjugation of the interjection, “fo’ shizzle?”

So the phone rings, and she speed-speaks, “Thizzit, how can I hep yew?”
Since I’ve called several times over the past few days, I can now accurately translate her English idioms, but am still peeved that she never offers to take a message.

“He’z not available,” she lies, “ but you’re welcome to try calling back.” Thanks, Jezzebel, I’d rather swallow crushed glass.

That’s the other thing that torques me off about those who have been tasked with answering the main lines of your business phone system
…and lie.
Don’t lie.
Don’t tell me the dude’s “not available” if I can hear his screechy voice in the background.

Don’t tell me she’s in a meeting if she just ducked out of the office when she saw my caller-ID ring up on the display.
That’s chicken shizzizzle.

If you don’t want me to call you, man-up and tell me. Don’t have some minimum-wage robot tell me tales. Because I will be persistent and hunt you down like the coward you are.

Tell me you’re not interested, tell me you can’t afford it.
Tell me you’re in a bad mood and you just don’t want to deal with it. But don’t have some jive-talking flunky try to spread a smoke screen for you.

A final point about tacky telephone techniques: Don’t put a minimum wage novice on your phone board. The person answering your business line creates the very first impression people get about your company.
Don’t blow it.

She or he should be poised, knowledgeable, friendly and efficient. Think of this person as being in a key position in your organization, who can make or break a deal…because they can.

There are some businesses I will never ever call again because I was treated shabbily by the dork on the phone. I don’t care to be treated that way, and I don’t want my customers infected with that kind of venom, either.
True dat?

Ecological Irony

Today is the 20th anniversary of the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska, where wildlife populations in the area have still not returned to normal. Now the U.S. Border Patrol wants to spray herbicide on plants growing along the Rio Grande to help control border crossings.


Ironic, that the government fined Exxon millions for its environmental damage two decades ago, and is embarking upon a plan that will have ecological implications for generations in South Texas.


Wall Street has been cheered by Treasury Sec'y Tim Geithner's plan to scour toxic assets from banks' balance sheets by sellling them to private investors (translatation: large institutions), while backing the bets with tax dollars (translations: the rest of us.) The Dow screamed ahead 500-points as a result.


"This is what the Markets wanted," crowed one analyst.
I suspect so.


I'd be dancing a jig, too, if someone plotted a plan to erase all of my debt, remove any of my risk, and put me back in businesses.
I love this country!

AIG Angst

The entire country is up in arms over news that AIG on Friday mailed bonus checks to executives totaling over $165-million. This after receiving an cash infusion from taxpayers of $173-billion, and chalking up a $99-billion operating loss last year. AIG says it’s contractually obligated to pay the bonuses.

New York’s Attorney General Andrew Cuomo said last week, in effect, "prove it," demanding names and numbers of those who received the bonuses. When AIG failed to meet Cuomo’s deadline on Friday, subpoena’s were issued for the documentation.

Extreme times call for extreme measures, but Iowa Sen. Charles Grassley probably went a little too far, calling for AIG executives to "resign or commit suicide." At this point, many of you might share that sentiment, but such behavior would not solve the issue at hand.

The solution is simple: Now that the American Public owns 80% of AIG through bailout dollars from taxpayers, any bonuses should be placed into escrow for the time being. That gives the Attorneys General time to sort out the legal ramifications, which likely could go to the Supreme Court before the dust settles. The bonuses can be paid after the American Public is repaid in full.


While said bonuses may have been due and payable under terms of agreements in force, AIG must recognize by now the folly of appearing to reward failure at a time when all American’s are struggling financially…brought on by the very shenanigans in which AIG has been involved.

This is not a time for bonuses.

This is also not a time for emotional reactions and blood lust against people who are caught between a subpoena and a lynchmob. A meaningful, public apology from AIG’s top brass would be a good first step. I want to see it on prime-time, national TV. Interrupt the drivel the Networks usually run, and put these clowns on-camera, on their knees.


They should go a step further, however.
Refusing to accept the bonuses 'twould be nobler thing than they have likely ever done before, to twist a quote from Charles Dickens.