Monday, September 08, 2008

Plumbing the Depths of Ingenuity

The Master Bedroom Suite, Day Two If necessity is the mother of invention, frustration is the octane of ingenuity. In an earlier posting I shared with you my level of jubilance upon discovering a broken toilet flush lever...long past regular operating hours for any reputable hardware store.

So this afternoon, I dropped by the closest toilet tank spare part emporium, and quickly selected from the array of parts on display what I believed would be just the part to replace my broken one.
How foolish.
The Plumbing gods mocked me even as I left the store, mis-fitting part in hand.

Of course, I did not know this until I had completed my roundtrip from home to store and back, where upon I discovered the lever thingy intersected the arc described by the float thingy as it sank and rose on the water level in the tank. Sir Thomas Crapper snickered in his grave.

I glanced at the clock, and called ahead to my friendly, helpful hardware store, to be informed that they were open until 8pm. With 55-minutes to burn, I cheerfully dropped the top on The Silver Bullet, and leisurely drove through a dozen neighborhoods to the hardware store.

It was closed.
Some teenager in a work vest was sweeping the lot behind a padlocked iron gate barring entry.
Appealing to his sense of reason was a lost effort.
There would be no even exchange for a flush lever that did not cross swords with the float arm tonight.

I returned home...dejected...and then inspired.
Ladies and gentlemen, you are witness to the spark of creative genius that has propelled mankind forward ever since Barney Rubble fell through the floorboard and Fred Flintstone discovered the parking brake. I brilliantly constructed in my mind a solution that would not only allow me to easily flush, but also save time and gallons of water used. The Clanton Hacienda would go green first in the water closet!

Think for a moment--what's the first thing you do after completing your business in the water closet?
Alright, what's the first thing your mother TOLD you to do after completing your business?
"Wash your hands with soap and water."

What if you could complete your business, wash your hands, and flush, all at the same place?

May I present the ACME Toilet Tank Convertible Flush and Wash Kit:

It's actually pretty ingenious, if I say so myself.

After completion, simply dip your hand into the tank, grab the soap from the attractive, chrome wire shelf, rinse in the tank, and flush by grasping the easy-to-reach flush line, attached to the handsome fishing float near the top of the open tank.

A convenient towel holder is mounted adjacent to the soap holder. The entire assembly sits atop the open tank, where no longer will mold fester and blacken the ceramic, and the mysteries of toilet tank mechanics are revealed to all. A simple one-two-three, and you're empty, cleaned, and flushed in seconds. Spit-spot and you're done, as Mary Poppins might remark.

You don't think this will catch on?
Fortunately, I still have my receipt for the mal-aligned part.
The lid goes back on the tank tomorrow.

Oh, by the way--to all you hardware store operators reading this.
It is neither helpful or friendly to have some ditz answering the phone who doesn't know when the store closes.

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