Mother's Day Without Mom

My Mom's 1st Mother's Day
(May 1955)

I knew this day would come.
My Mother passed away in January of this year.
This will be our first Mother’s Day without her.

What do I miss most about my Mom?
The emotions are almost too complex to put into words.
I imagine the list will expand as the passing months and years go by.

My brother and sister have been sifting through some of Mom’s things—a normal process following the death of a loved-one. Mom marked some items that she thought we’d like to have with a note inside, or a simple hand-printed name on the back.

A Tiffany pen I gave her as a Mother’s Day gift one year turned up with a note on the inside of the box, “Brent gave me this pen from Tiffany's. He should have it when I 'croak.'"
Yes, my prim and proper school-marm Mom often so referred to her demise…and now we have it in writing.

In her later years, Mom was an avid crossword puzzle worker. She would dutifully work the daily puzzle in the Temple Telegram newspaper, but skipped the Sunday edition because, “it was too hard,” as she would say. Her spot at the kitchen table was frequently cluttered with the past week’s puzzles, clipped from the paper by my Dad, and worked in pen by my Mom. She was confident! 

A metal cart still stands sentinel next to her place at the table, laden with a giant crossword puzzle dictionary, extra pens, note pads, and crossword puzzle books.  There is also an assortment of greeting cards and her hand-written address book in that cart.

Mom was an avid card-sender.
In her desk I discovered many blank card envelopes with postage stamps already affixed. They’re the “forever” stamps issued by the post office, and knowing Mom, she probably bought them back in 2007 when the stamps were first introduced at 41-cents. She knew they’d be more expensive later.

Everyone says, “be sure to hug your loved-ones because you never know when it will be the last time you see them.” On this first Mother’s Day without my Mom, I take solace in the fact that we always did, and we always told her we loved her, too. She knew that she was loved.
And now, she is missed.

The Mother of All Momma’s

Mildred Florine Clanton
(1929 - 2023)

It is a season of sadness.
As my generation slides indelicately into what demographers call “old age,” so our parents’ generation leads the way to their own lives’ termination.

In 2021 we lost a brother-in-law and sister-in-law; on Thanksgiving Day 2022, one of my mother’s remaining sisters passed at the age of 95. On New Years Day 2023, one of my father’s sisters left us at age 89. And the month was not half-spent before my own mother took her last breath at the age of 93.
We buried her yesterday.

My previous post reveals my own sentiments about how to properly view death. Still, the sting of death is felt when the woman who gave you life surrenders her own. It has been said the intensity of pain upon losing a loved one is directly proportionate to the depth of love for that person.
What can be deeper than the love between mother and child?

23-years ago, on my Mom’s 70th birthday, I composed a few verses in a feeble attempt to capture my thoughts then. I ran across the poem this week in her home; it had been framed and hung in one of the bedrooms.
I think it’s worth sharing now:

The Mother of All Momma’s

Mommy taught us nursery rhymes,
And songs and fables, too…
And stories of a teen-aged girl in 1942.
Mommy taught us things about a time we never knew;
And we always knew if “Mommy Said…”
It was positively true.

Momma drove the taxi
To school and orthodontist;
Piano lessons once a week,
Banking, groceries, and ophthalmologist.
Three Chevy’s and a Buick
were our transports while in school.
Momma took us everywhere; she was pretty cool.

Mom was whom we talked to when we needed dough;
She wrote the checks and paid the bills
and made our household glow.
Mom took care that we were fed,
Clothes were clean and pressed;
You could tell we had a Mom that cared how we were dressed.
And Mom was whom we joked with, even when we knew
She didn’t get the punchline, even after three times through.

Mothers are still mommies long after kids have grown;
They bake and cook and fret and fuss
--as if we’ve never gone.
Mother is our pattern for caring for our kids;
Mother is our reason for doing as we did.
Mother loves our father, and has kept our family strong.

Our Mommy’s a septuagenarian now, but we still call her, ‘Mom.’
She’s the Mother of all Momma’s, when all is said and done.

Written with love on my mother’s 70th birthday, September 4, 1999

Proper Sorrow

(Top: Betty Edwards Coffman, Mr. Barnhill,
Flo Edwards Clanton, Maxine Edwards Blackburn;
Bottom: Georgia Edwards Rogers,
Anna Edwards Olson, Mary Edwards Putman)

My Aunt Betty died on Thanksgiving.
She was 95, and by all accounts, she was ready to Go Home. My mother wept when I told her that her older sister had passed. And now only two remain.

Why do we cry when people pass?

“Bett,” as she was known to the family, lived a long, full, blessed life of service to others. She was trained as a nurse, and at one time was in charge of the nurses in a large hospital system in Houston, Texas. She had seen it all, from births to deaths, and everything in between. She was ready to go.

Why are we sad when our loved-ones are no longer suffering on earth?

Aunt Betty had been going blind for several years. We used to play Scrabble together with a giant-sized version of the game. You could read the tiles from across the room. Bett had to hold them under a bright lamp she perched on her dining room table so she could scrutinize the characters.
For a while, the mother-in-law of one of Bett’s nephews lived with her to help her prepare meals, get dressed, and other basics of life. That went on for a couple of years until the caregiver required care of her own. Then Bett moved in with a granddaughter in the small, Central Texas town of Hamilton. She still beat me at Scrabble plenty of times.

Why do we mourn when a loved-one has escaped the physical frailties of this life?

I spent many summers at my Aunt Betty’s house. Truthfully, I think she and my Uncle Herbert were the only ones who could tolerate my pre-adolescent behavior. My cousins and I got along famously together—that’s a blog post for another time, after the statute of limitations has run out. I guess, for my cousins, that statute has expired with the demise of their mother.

Bett drove a 1960’s era Studebaker Lark. It was baby blue, had a standard transmission with three-speeds on the column, and no air conditioning. She used to take my cousins and me to the drive-in movies in the summer, and we’d lay on our bellies on the top of the car with its heavy-gauge steel roof to watch the show. There were no indentations on the top. We’d tell her, “drive like you’re running out of gas,” and she’d pop the clutch in and out and make the car lurch and pitch. We thought it was hilarious. I’m certain my uncle, had he known, would not have been as amused.

Why do we count it a loss when bodies wear out, minds begin to turn to mush, eyesight dims, and strength wanes until a final breath is taken, and a spirit is released from its earthly tent?  

I think it’s all about perspective. And when we mourn a loss, are saddened by a death, and weep for the dead, we’re missing the most important point in the universe. That loved-one is no longer in pain. The blind are now seeing with a clarity never before experienced. The maimed are whole, the crippled are strong once again, and the spirit has been returned to its Maker.

The Apostle Paul noted that he longed to die to be with Christ—even though he knew that to remain on this earth to continue the work of the Gospel was more profitable for the saints to which he wrote in his epistle to the Philippian church (1:23):

“…I am in a strait betwixt the two, having the desire to depart and be with Christ; for it is very far better: yet to abide in the flesh is more needful for your sake.”

Paul also wrote of Hope to the Thessalonian church (1 Thess. 4:13-14, 18)

 “…I would not have you to be ignorant, brethren, concerning them which are asleep, that ye sorrow not, even as others which have no hope.  For if we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so them also which sleep in Jesus will God bring with him…Wherefore comfort one another with these words.”

My mother had five sisters and one brother. All but one have now transitioned from the imperfect to the Perfect. All were believers in Jesus Christ and His power to save. And while I am selfishly grieved that I will no long play Scrabble with Bett, and I am profoundly saddened that my cousins have lost their long-suffering mother, this sadness is tempered—even replaced—by the awesome realization that Aunt Betty went to sleep on Wednesday night, bed-ridden and blind, and woke up Thursday morning to see Jesus in all His glory with eyes that will never fail.